……..I saw my bird kissing a black man, his big brown hands on her pink arse. Suddenly I saw red. I bowled over -fist clenched, white knuckles -but when I got near I turned yellow and just left. I had the blues for the rest of the week. My dark moods took much longer to lift and the world seemed so very grey without her.
……..About a year later I told Violet, my new girlfriend, all about it. Despite my purple prose, she said she found it a very mauveing story for she also had a similar tale.
……..Years previous, her boyfriend Chinese Rusty was reluctant to bang her during her woman times. He was uptight and couldn’t go with the flow. So every month he swam against the crimson tide and white wee would ecru in his balls and they’d have a fight.
……..Things finally fell apart when she tried to surprise him by painting his room while he was home in Beige-ing.
……..“Wha av you done to ma roon!?” said Rusty when he got back. She kicked him indigo nads.
……..“Ahh, ma genta’!” screamed Rusty. As far as Violet could see, all she had done was paint his room a reddish-brown but he felt her actions were a form of domestic a-puce.
……..Me and Violet have kids now. Amber, 2, and Olive, 5 months. I won a cerulean pounds on that quiz show and we had a glitzy white wedding. Even our honeymoon had a theme, a veritable heliotrope, with us only visiting places where there’s guaranteed sunshine, like the Ivory Coast, and the Azures. Times weren’t always perfecto, I did have a short-lived ganja addiction but my days as a taupe-fiend are long gone. Everyday I love Violet more. Flames of admiration grow inside me, I can feel the auburn. She’s pregnant again. Last week we had a picnic in a park exactly on the line of 0° longitude. We lay on the beautiful grass enamoured by the Greenwich Viridian. I took her boob in my mouth and suckled her cosmic latte as the overhanging firmament, fretted with golden fire, gently flickered out revealing vermillons and millions of stars above.